Although it's been a long time since I've posted, I don't really feel welcomed to the idea of writing about my life anymore. Maybe because lately things are hard...
I did it, blog. I did something I promised myself I'd never do... I got comfortable. I was nice and comfortable with Ryan for nine wonderful, happy, stable months... and then he says it: I just don't feel it anymore. So, he's gone. Out of my life for at least a long time, despite saying we'd always be friends. And me? Well, I'm left with a small but deep void that I don't know how to fill. It was no surface wound, those words; even when it heals on the surface, it'll take a long time before all the internal damage can be mended, if it ever even can. Goddamnit, I loved him.
I see him everywhere, especially at school... and when I say that, I don't mean I see him in person, I mean I see things that are reminders of him. Yeah, I know that's pretty normal, but it's still hard. I just want football season to be over already... then at least 25 reminders won't be roaming the halls in red and white jerseys every time there's a game. I hate that sport. I despise it like I have never despised anything before. If that's wrong of me, so be it, but I can't help but feel like Ryan was forced to choose between them and it wasn't me he chose... even though I promised him I'd never make him do that. Everything started going wrong after that stupid accident... (to sum it all up, Ryan sustained a mild concussion, but because he had had a severe one less than a year prior, it put him out of varsity football for at least this year, maybe more. This also applies to hockey.) I sat with him in the hospital and by the time we left, despite how scared I'd been, he had me convinced that everything was going to be okay. I wish it had just ended there, but instead it dragged out another week or two, I'm not sure before it came to a sudden screeching halt. Tuesday all was well. Thursday night it was over.
I think I've managed to get over my first break up (where I wasn't the initiator) fairly well. Brad helped me a lot. Perhaps I haven't mentioned him. He was my mentor and teacher at RAC when I started working there. He also landed me a job at the local Super Store in the bakery department, which is stressful and difficult but I like it anyway. He's been the best friend anyone could ask for, and... well, he's got feelings for me. And I think I might just return them. I wanna see where this goes, and I know he does too. The only problem is he's going away to UNB next year, he graduates in 2011. Fredericton is a two hour drive, and even though I told myself I'd never do the long distance thing again... I want to see what happens anyway. He's coming over for supper tonight, as my family is celebrating Thanksgiving a tad early.
There's so much more to say, I have so much more I want to write about so that I can remember and read about it later... but there are some things I need to take care of today before company gets here. For starters, I should take a shower so I don't sell like a barn hand when my family arrives.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Gunnin' by Hedley (an alternate version, I think. It's a great song.)
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