This is a formal apology...

to every single girl who I secretly thought had stupid problems,
who I secretly thought how lucky you were that your biggest issue was that about some silly boy that you won't remember in ten years,
who I thought was stupid for not realizing how lucky they were...

This is an apology to every single one of you.
Why?

Because I never thought that girl would be me.

I'm sorry.
For all of us.

Yours truly,
- Lexi

As your world disassembles, better keep your head up.

Just a thought... is love simply finding a person who will put your peices back together when you're falling apart?

Today was nice. I chilled with Matt, Kelsey, Zach and Brad at Zach;s house for the entire afternoon, but came home to a hard pill to swallow. No, no one died. I just talked with Ryan tonight is all. Turns out there was a lot he wasn't telling me... and I don't blame him for not wanting to tell me. It wasn't his fault, but I realize now that he didn't leave me just because his feelings had faded, but because he was scared and very unsure. He did it to protect me...

And so you know what I did, blog? I did a very stupid, impulsive, old Alex type thing to do. I swore I'd help him. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. He was reluctant but I convinced him (Yes, you read that right) that maybe I could help him, despite him thinking no one can. I am such an idiot. I may just end up hurting us both again worse... but I have to try. I have to because it's in my nature and because if nothing else, I know I can help people. I've done it before and I will continue to do it for the rest of my life...

I don't know why, but I just always seem to attract broken people. Do I just give off this vibe that says "Hey! I give a fuck about your problems! Spill your guts to me!" or what? People are constantly telling me about the tragedies of their lives and giving their sad renditions of their life stories, and ending them with "Wow, I've never been so open/ told anyone that ever before." Like, really. My talent for reading people will, of course, help me in life... unless this just drags me down into depression with everyone else's problems. When did the world seem to fall on my shoulders?...

...okay, so that's pretty dramatic. But I am upset. Bare with me, here.

Yours truly,

- Lexi

Music: The Oracle by Godsmack

And I will find out morning comes faster alone...

Although it's been a long time since I've posted, I don't really feel welcomed to the idea of writing about my life anymore. Maybe because lately things are hard...

I did it, blog. I did something I promised myself I'd never do... I got comfortable. I was nice and comfortable with Ryan for nine wonderful, happy, stable months... and then he says it: I just don't feel it anymore. So, he's gone. Out of my life for at least a long time, despite saying we'd always be friends. And me? Well, I'm left with a small but deep void that I don't know how to fill. It was no surface wound, those words; even when it heals on the surface, it'll take a long time before all the internal damage can be mended, if it ever even can. Goddamnit, I loved him.

I see him everywhere, especially at school... and when I say that, I don't mean I see him in person, I mean I see things that are reminders of him. Yeah, I know that's pretty normal, but it's still hard. I just want football season to be over already... then at least 25 reminders won't be roaming the halls in red and white jerseys every time there's a game. I hate that sport. I despise it like I have never despised anything before. If that's wrong of me, so be it, but I can't help but feel like Ryan was forced to choose between them and it wasn't me he chose... even though I promised him I'd never make him do that. Everything started going wrong after that stupid accident... (to sum it all up, Ryan sustained a mild concussion, but because he had had a severe one less than a year prior, it put him out of varsity football for at least this year, maybe more. This also applies to hockey.) I sat with him in the hospital and by the time we left, despite how scared I'd been, he had me convinced that everything was going to be okay. I wish it had just ended there, but instead it dragged out another week or two, I'm not sure before it came to a sudden screeching halt. Tuesday all was well. Thursday night it was over.

I think I've managed to get over my first break up (where I wasn't the initiator) fairly well. Brad helped me a lot. Perhaps I haven't mentioned him. He was my mentor and teacher at RAC when I started working there. He also landed me a job at the local Super Store in the bakery department, which is stressful and difficult but I like it anyway. He's been the best friend anyone could ask for, and... well, he's got feelings for me. And I think I might just return them. I wanna see where this goes, and I know he does too. The only problem is he's going away to UNB next year, he graduates in 2011. Fredericton is a two hour drive, and even though I told myself I'd never do the long distance thing again... I want to see what happens anyway. He's coming over for supper tonight, as my family is celebrating Thanksgiving a tad early.

There's so much more to say, I have so much more I want to write about so that I can remember and read about it later... but there are some things I need to take care of today before company gets here. For starters, I should take a shower so I don't sell like a barn hand when my family arrives.

Yours truly,

- Lexi

Music: Gunnin' by Hedley (an alternate version, I think. It's a great song.)