to every single girl who I secretly thought had stupid problems,
who I secretly thought how lucky you were that your biggest issue was that about some silly boy that you won't remember in ten years,
who I thought was stupid for not realizing how lucky they were...
This is an apology to every single one of you.
Why?
Because I never thought that girl would be me.
I'm sorry.
For all of us.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
As your world disassembles, better keep your head up.
Just a thought... is love simply finding a person who will put your peices back together when you're falling apart?
Today was nice. I chilled with Matt, Kelsey, Zach and Brad at Zach;s house for the entire afternoon, but came home to a hard pill to swallow. No, no one died. I just talked with Ryan tonight is all. Turns out there was a lot he wasn't telling me... and I don't blame him for not wanting to tell me. It wasn't his fault, but I realize now that he didn't leave me just because his feelings had faded, but because he was scared and very unsure. He did it to protect me...
And so you know what I did, blog? I did a very stupid, impulsive, old Alex type thing to do. I swore I'd help him. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. He was reluctant but I convinced him (Yes, you read that right) that maybe I could help him, despite him thinking no one can. I am such an idiot. I may just end up hurting us both again worse... but I have to try. I have to because it's in my nature and because if nothing else, I know I can help people. I've done it before and I will continue to do it for the rest of my life...
I don't know why, but I just always seem to attract broken people. Do I just give off this vibe that says "Hey! I give a fuck about your problems! Spill your guts to me!" or what? People are constantly telling me about the tragedies of their lives and giving their sad renditions of their life stories, and ending them with "Wow, I've never been so open/ told anyone that ever before." Like, really. My talent for reading people will, of course, help me in life... unless this just drags me down into depression with everyone else's problems. When did the world seem to fall on my shoulders?...
...okay, so that's pretty dramatic. But I am upset. Bare with me, here.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: The Oracle by Godsmack
Today was nice. I chilled with Matt, Kelsey, Zach and Brad at Zach;s house for the entire afternoon, but came home to a hard pill to swallow. No, no one died. I just talked with Ryan tonight is all. Turns out there was a lot he wasn't telling me... and I don't blame him for not wanting to tell me. It wasn't his fault, but I realize now that he didn't leave me just because his feelings had faded, but because he was scared and very unsure. He did it to protect me...
And so you know what I did, blog? I did a very stupid, impulsive, old Alex type thing to do. I swore I'd help him. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. He was reluctant but I convinced him (Yes, you read that right) that maybe I could help him, despite him thinking no one can. I am such an idiot. I may just end up hurting us both again worse... but I have to try. I have to because it's in my nature and because if nothing else, I know I can help people. I've done it before and I will continue to do it for the rest of my life...
I don't know why, but I just always seem to attract broken people. Do I just give off this vibe that says "Hey! I give a fuck about your problems! Spill your guts to me!" or what? People are constantly telling me about the tragedies of their lives and giving their sad renditions of their life stories, and ending them with "Wow, I've never been so open/ told anyone that ever before." Like, really. My talent for reading people will, of course, help me in life... unless this just drags me down into depression with everyone else's problems. When did the world seem to fall on my shoulders?...
...okay, so that's pretty dramatic. But I am upset. Bare with me, here.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: The Oracle by Godsmack
Saturday, October 9, 2010
And I will find out morning comes faster alone...
Although it's been a long time since I've posted, I don't really feel welcomed to the idea of writing about my life anymore. Maybe because lately things are hard...
I did it, blog. I did something I promised myself I'd never do... I got comfortable. I was nice and comfortable with Ryan for nine wonderful, happy, stable months... and then he says it: I just don't feel it anymore. So, he's gone. Out of my life for at least a long time, despite saying we'd always be friends. And me? Well, I'm left with a small but deep void that I don't know how to fill. It was no surface wound, those words; even when it heals on the surface, it'll take a long time before all the internal damage can be mended, if it ever even can. Goddamnit, I loved him.
I see him everywhere, especially at school... and when I say that, I don't mean I see him in person, I mean I see things that are reminders of him. Yeah, I know that's pretty normal, but it's still hard. I just want football season to be over already... then at least 25 reminders won't be roaming the halls in red and white jerseys every time there's a game. I hate that sport. I despise it like I have never despised anything before. If that's wrong of me, so be it, but I can't help but feel like Ryan was forced to choose between them and it wasn't me he chose... even though I promised him I'd never make him do that. Everything started going wrong after that stupid accident... (to sum it all up, Ryan sustained a mild concussion, but because he had had a severe one less than a year prior, it put him out of varsity football for at least this year, maybe more. This also applies to hockey.) I sat with him in the hospital and by the time we left, despite how scared I'd been, he had me convinced that everything was going to be okay. I wish it had just ended there, but instead it dragged out another week or two, I'm not sure before it came to a sudden screeching halt. Tuesday all was well. Thursday night it was over.
I think I've managed to get over my first break up (where I wasn't the initiator) fairly well. Brad helped me a lot. Perhaps I haven't mentioned him. He was my mentor and teacher at RAC when I started working there. He also landed me a job at the local Super Store in the bakery department, which is stressful and difficult but I like it anyway. He's been the best friend anyone could ask for, and... well, he's got feelings for me. And I think I might just return them. I wanna see where this goes, and I know he does too. The only problem is he's going away to UNB next year, he graduates in 2011. Fredericton is a two hour drive, and even though I told myself I'd never do the long distance thing again... I want to see what happens anyway. He's coming over for supper tonight, as my family is celebrating Thanksgiving a tad early.
There's so much more to say, I have so much more I want to write about so that I can remember and read about it later... but there are some things I need to take care of today before company gets here. For starters, I should take a shower so I don't sell like a barn hand when my family arrives.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Gunnin' by Hedley (an alternate version, I think. It's a great song.)
I did it, blog. I did something I promised myself I'd never do... I got comfortable. I was nice and comfortable with Ryan for nine wonderful, happy, stable months... and then he says it: I just don't feel it anymore. So, he's gone. Out of my life for at least a long time, despite saying we'd always be friends. And me? Well, I'm left with a small but deep void that I don't know how to fill. It was no surface wound, those words; even when it heals on the surface, it'll take a long time before all the internal damage can be mended, if it ever even can. Goddamnit, I loved him.
I see him everywhere, especially at school... and when I say that, I don't mean I see him in person, I mean I see things that are reminders of him. Yeah, I know that's pretty normal, but it's still hard. I just want football season to be over already... then at least 25 reminders won't be roaming the halls in red and white jerseys every time there's a game. I hate that sport. I despise it like I have never despised anything before. If that's wrong of me, so be it, but I can't help but feel like Ryan was forced to choose between them and it wasn't me he chose... even though I promised him I'd never make him do that. Everything started going wrong after that stupid accident... (to sum it all up, Ryan sustained a mild concussion, but because he had had a severe one less than a year prior, it put him out of varsity football for at least this year, maybe more. This also applies to hockey.) I sat with him in the hospital and by the time we left, despite how scared I'd been, he had me convinced that everything was going to be okay. I wish it had just ended there, but instead it dragged out another week or two, I'm not sure before it came to a sudden screeching halt. Tuesday all was well. Thursday night it was over.
I think I've managed to get over my first break up (where I wasn't the initiator) fairly well. Brad helped me a lot. Perhaps I haven't mentioned him. He was my mentor and teacher at RAC when I started working there. He also landed me a job at the local Super Store in the bakery department, which is stressful and difficult but I like it anyway. He's been the best friend anyone could ask for, and... well, he's got feelings for me. And I think I might just return them. I wanna see where this goes, and I know he does too. The only problem is he's going away to UNB next year, he graduates in 2011. Fredericton is a two hour drive, and even though I told myself I'd never do the long distance thing again... I want to see what happens anyway. He's coming over for supper tonight, as my family is celebrating Thanksgiving a tad early.
There's so much more to say, I have so much more I want to write about so that I can remember and read about it later... but there are some things I need to take care of today before company gets here. For starters, I should take a shower so I don't sell like a barn hand when my family arrives.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Gunnin' by Hedley (an alternate version, I think. It's a great song.)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Summer, onwards!
So yeah, school is over. Woot, survived first year of high school!
I don't know why I don' post anymore. I guess I no longer feel the need to tell the world what I'm feeling. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, and I don't particularly care.
In recent news, I read a short story in an English textbook at school the other day. It was called Flowers for Algernon, and I found it to be deeply thought provoking. I find my mind wandering back to its premise often, and I can't shake a feeling of eeriness and moral wrongfulness when I think about it. It was such a strange concept and I just... I felt upset and a bit disturbed when it ended. I won't tell you about the story, but if you want to read about it yourself , here's the Wiki page for the novel, which was based on the short story.
On a more personal note, I have recently started talking to both Zach (my ex-boyfriend from a while back) and Derrick again. I don't know why, either. Zach re-added me on Facebook and welcomed me back from Quebec (oh right, I should talk about that) via that horrible Facebook chat. Just for shits and giggles I added him to my MSN again and since then, we've been talking a couple of nights every week. I re-added Derrick to Facebook on a whim simply because I miss him. I don't know how long either of these relationships will last, though.
Speaking of relationships, I'm still with Ryan. We'll celebrate our six month mark on the seventeenth of this month, in just a few days. Also in a few days, my birthday is on the fifteenth. I'll be fifteen. Yay?
I can't stay focused on this long enough to write a proper post. Ugh. I need more sleep and less things to think about.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Lions! by Lights
I don't know why I don' post anymore. I guess I no longer feel the need to tell the world what I'm feeling. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, and I don't particularly care.
In recent news, I read a short story in an English textbook at school the other day. It was called Flowers for Algernon, and I found it to be deeply thought provoking. I find my mind wandering back to its premise often, and I can't shake a feeling of eeriness and moral wrongfulness when I think about it. It was such a strange concept and I just... I felt upset and a bit disturbed when it ended. I won't tell you about the story, but if you want to read about it yourself , here's the Wiki page for the novel, which was based on the short story.
On a more personal note, I have recently started talking to both Zach (my ex-boyfriend from a while back) and Derrick again. I don't know why, either. Zach re-added me on Facebook and welcomed me back from Quebec (oh right, I should talk about that) via that horrible Facebook chat. Just for shits and giggles I added him to my MSN again and since then, we've been talking a couple of nights every week. I re-added Derrick to Facebook on a whim simply because I miss him. I don't know how long either of these relationships will last, though.
Speaking of relationships, I'm still with Ryan. We'll celebrate our six month mark on the seventeenth of this month, in just a few days. Also in a few days, my birthday is on the fifteenth. I'll be fifteen. Yay?
I can't stay focused on this long enough to write a proper post. Ugh. I need more sleep and less things to think about.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Lions! by Lights
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I keep tryin' cause that's what I said I would do from the start...
Hello there.
Before I tell you, reader, about anything thats actually going on in my life that's relevant, I feel the need to rant. Last week my English teacher gave out awards to her students for perfect attendance. I don't agree with this, really. It's like "Congratulations for having a stronger immune system than your classmates!" or better yet, "Congratulations for coming to school and spreading your cold with the rest of us!" Yeah, I don't think people should be awarded for that. I mean, I know that there are kids that skip school and such, but I don't think that's the majority of people. But it doesn't matter much anyway, because my English teacher is kind of an airhead. She's very nice and all, but she's not the most... consistent teacher.
Speaking of which, I was just assigned a book called The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins for my first ever real book report. Yes. I'm almost fifteen years old, and I've never written a proper book report. Is this my fault? No, I was just never assigned one. Kinda sad, but whatever. It's not the actual report I wanna talk about, it's the book. At first I found it very disturbing, like it was examining humanity in a way that made me really sad... but I've grown to like it and it's not so bad. I'm past the halfway point now and I decided to just suck it up and read it. But I was kind of taken aback when I was assigned that book by my teacher, when she'd never read it no less. Oh well, I guess... I don't really feel like talking about the book but the wikipedia article about it pretty much covers it, if you're interested.
In real life current news, I'm rather sick. I caught the bug that my whole family has had now. I was the last to get it, I woke up Wednesday morning with a mild sore throat that got worse throughout the day. By Thursday morning, it had escalated into a runny nose in addition to the sore throat, which pretty much disappeared after a while. Yesterday wasn't too bad until late in the evening when I started to get the cough. The sickness is pretty much at bay for now though, and almost all the coughing has stopped. Advil Cold and Sinus is God in a pill, I swear. I really hope I'm feeling much better tonight, because Sarah invited myself and Ryan to her cadet dance tonight and I'd really like to go. There's also the reaction from Ryan seeing me in my dress that I'll be wearing that I'll look forward to. Hehe.
Not a very coherent post but it's something. That's all I have to say I guess.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: None, I'm on the netbook sitting in my living room, half watching Fringe.
Before I tell you, reader, about anything thats actually going on in my life that's relevant, I feel the need to rant. Last week my English teacher gave out awards to her students for perfect attendance. I don't agree with this, really. It's like "Congratulations for having a stronger immune system than your classmates!" or better yet, "Congratulations for coming to school and spreading your cold with the rest of us!" Yeah, I don't think people should be awarded for that. I mean, I know that there are kids that skip school and such, but I don't think that's the majority of people. But it doesn't matter much anyway, because my English teacher is kind of an airhead. She's very nice and all, but she's not the most... consistent teacher.
Speaking of which, I was just assigned a book called The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins for my first ever real book report. Yes. I'm almost fifteen years old, and I've never written a proper book report. Is this my fault? No, I was just never assigned one. Kinda sad, but whatever. It's not the actual report I wanna talk about, it's the book. At first I found it very disturbing, like it was examining humanity in a way that made me really sad... but I've grown to like it and it's not so bad. I'm past the halfway point now and I decided to just suck it up and read it. But I was kind of taken aback when I was assigned that book by my teacher, when she'd never read it no less. Oh well, I guess... I don't really feel like talking about the book but the wikipedia article about it pretty much covers it, if you're interested.
In real life current news, I'm rather sick. I caught the bug that my whole family has had now. I was the last to get it, I woke up Wednesday morning with a mild sore throat that got worse throughout the day. By Thursday morning, it had escalated into a runny nose in addition to the sore throat, which pretty much disappeared after a while. Yesterday wasn't too bad until late in the evening when I started to get the cough. The sickness is pretty much at bay for now though, and almost all the coughing has stopped. Advil Cold and Sinus is God in a pill, I swear. I really hope I'm feeling much better tonight, because Sarah invited myself and Ryan to her cadet dance tonight and I'd really like to go. There's also the reaction from Ryan seeing me in my dress that I'll be wearing that I'll look forward to. Hehe.
Not a very coherent post but it's something. That's all I have to say I guess.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: None, I'm on the netbook sitting in my living room, half watching Fringe.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I fail at blogging AND school!
No update in a month, I'm sorry. Not that anyone really cares.
Life has been pretty good lately. I actually saw Derrick... two weekends ago? My head is still attached to my shoulders, literally and metaphorically. It was a bit of a miracle... conversation was scarce between us, but it was existent, and I even got a chuckle out of him once or twice. He seems just the same as he did when I first met him, just... I didn't see him quite the same way as I did before. It was somehow like I was meeting him again for the first time, even though I knew him. But I guess I don't anymore, so that makes sense. I'm talking myself in circles here, so I'll stop.
School is the same as usual I guess. I just got my report card and managed to bring my average up to a 90%. This was a feat for me; I was rather happy with myself for a while... until I found out that most of my friends managed to have that average too. For some reason, this made my accomplishment seem smaller with every person who got an average not even higher than mine, just the same... it was one, and I was proud, then two and then three... and I felt like what made me special was gone. I was always the smart kid growing up, and as I found my friends were just as academically adept as I was, it made me feel small and like my trait wasn't unique. Even though I realize that it's a really stuck up way to feel... I just can't shake this feeling of disappointment and failure.
It didn't help that neither of my parents expressed any praise for my, in my opinion, excellent marks... they just shrugged it off. But when my siblings get report cards, oh! How exciting! Jillian did SO well (again) and far better than I ever did at that age. Noah and Zachary have slightly above-average marks and that's great. But me? Oh. Alex got a report card. Woohoo. Sign here and it's done. I kinda feel unaccomplished...
Sorry for the complaining. I just needed to get that out I guess.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Comatose by Skillet
Life has been pretty good lately. I actually saw Derrick... two weekends ago? My head is still attached to my shoulders, literally and metaphorically. It was a bit of a miracle... conversation was scarce between us, but it was existent, and I even got a chuckle out of him once or twice. He seems just the same as he did when I first met him, just... I didn't see him quite the same way as I did before. It was somehow like I was meeting him again for the first time, even though I knew him. But I guess I don't anymore, so that makes sense. I'm talking myself in circles here, so I'll stop.
School is the same as usual I guess. I just got my report card and managed to bring my average up to a 90%. This was a feat for me; I was rather happy with myself for a while... until I found out that most of my friends managed to have that average too. For some reason, this made my accomplishment seem smaller with every person who got an average not even higher than mine, just the same... it was one, and I was proud, then two and then three... and I felt like what made me special was gone. I was always the smart kid growing up, and as I found my friends were just as academically adept as I was, it made me feel small and like my trait wasn't unique. Even though I realize that it's a really stuck up way to feel... I just can't shake this feeling of disappointment and failure.
It didn't help that neither of my parents expressed any praise for my, in my opinion, excellent marks... they just shrugged it off. But when my siblings get report cards, oh! How exciting! Jillian did SO well (again) and far better than I ever did at that age. Noah and Zachary have slightly above-average marks and that's great. But me? Oh. Alex got a report card. Woohoo. Sign here and it's done. I kinda feel unaccomplished...
Sorry for the complaining. I just needed to get that out I guess.
Yours truly,
- Lexi
Music: Comatose by Skillet
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